


how light carries on, endlessly

by faikitty



Category: Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fai is a Mess as usual, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Loss of Limbs, M/M, Men Crying, not so much denial of feelings as denial of someone ELSE'S feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-11
Updated: 2018-10-11
Packaged: 2019-07-29 17:30:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16269002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/faikitty/pseuds/faikitty
Summary: Tomoyo leaves them to talk, and talk they do.





	how light carries on, endlessly

Kurogane doesn’t notice when Tomoyo slips silently out, because the moment Fai punches him his ears start ringing, first with the surprising force behind the blow to his temple then with the sound of his name as it leaves Fai’s lips. Because it’s not his name—it's a butchered version of it, something he had never expected to hear again, and the smile it leaves on Fai’s face in its wake is an honest one that gives Kurogane no choice but to match it. 

It takes Kurogane a beat to remember that he’s supposed to respond to Fai’s jabs—both the verbal and physical ones—because one, he hadn’t realized the mage could hit that  _hard_ , and two, he’s almost forgotten that he’s supposed to be  _angry_  when Fai gives him stupid nicknames. But Fai is standing there, grinning down at him and waiting expectantly for Kurogane to stand and meet him, so he growls something about punching Fai out and is on his feet ready to start swinging in the next instant. 

Fai bounces back on his heels with a laugh when Kurogane’s punch completely misses its mark. He steps forward. Fai steps back. He kicks out with a leg like Syaoran does. Fai easily scoots just out of reach. Fai doesn’t even bother to fight back, just dodge Kurogane’s blows. Trying to catch the mage is like trying to catch smoke, and with every miss, Fai’s grin grows wider until Kurogane can’t decide if he wants to wipe that smirk from his face with a punch or a kiss (maybe both). Fai is distracting; he always is, and he looks good dancing away from Kurogane as they fight, blond hair in his eye and a proud grin splitting his face. But he’s also  _frustrating_ , so when Kurogane sees an opening he swings wide and brings his elbow back to knock Fai in the mouth and feels it connect in a solid hit.

Fai staggers. He drops back, one hand going to brace himself against the floor while the other presses against his face where Kurogane hit him. His hair has fallen completely in front of his eye and his hand covers his mouth so Kurogane can’t tell how badly he’s hurt. He just knows the blow was harder than he had intended and he actually _hurt_ Fai. 

“Shit, sorry,” Kurogane says, falling out of a fighting stance to rush over where Fai is half-crouched in pain. “I wasn’t trying to—" 

He sees Fai’s eye flash beneath his bangs. He sees the flicker of a smile beneath the hand over Fai’s mouth. 

Then he just sees the ceiling, because Fai has launched himself up and thrown Kurogane roughly to the floor with his own weight as counterbalance. Kurogane gives a sharp, pained hiss as he hits the ground, every wound on his body jarred with the motion, but Fai doesn’t seem to notice it because he’s too busy shaking with laughter, face buried in Kurogane’s chest from having fallen on top of him. 

“I win,” Fai says gleefully as he lifts his head to look at his defeated partner. He folds his fingers together and props his chin up with them in the very image of self-satisfaction. 

Kurogane rolls his eyes, but it’s a challenge to keep from matching Fai’s pleased smile with one of his own. It would be even _more_ difficult if his emotions weren’t tempered by the stabbing pain in his shoulder and abdomen that’s too busy asking why the hell he thought  _fighting_  someone was a good idea so soon after nearly  _dying_. When Fai shifts again and his hip digs into the near-fatal gash in his stomach, Kurogane can’t keep the growl of protest from escaping his gritted teeth.

Fai’s smile vanishes. “Sorry,” he says quickly, but in his haste to rise he jars the raw wound of Kurogane’s arm with a sharp elbow, prompting another growl that Kurogane doesn’t even try to silence. “Sorry!” 

Based on the dismay and concern clear on Fai’s face, Kurogane thinks it honestly must have hurt Fai more than it hurt  _him_. Kurogane drops his head back to gaze at the familiar lines of the ceiling while he works to steady himself through the pain. He feels Fai a foot or so away from him, watching in silent worry. 

“I’m sorry,” Fai repeats quietly for the third time after a few moments have passed. “Are you okay?” 

“Fine,” Kurogane says flatly. He hoists himself into a sitting position so he can meet Fai’s worried gaze. The motion tugs at his stitches, but it doesn’t hurt too much. Fai stays where he is, legs curled under himself, looking not at Kurogane’s face but at the cuts and bruises poking out from beneath the bandages, all the little injuries that didn’t need to be dressed. His eye flicks up to Kurogane’s face for the briefest of moments, searching for something—forgiveness? Hatred? Something else entirely? 

Kurogane settles for answering with permission, and Fai seems to accept it because he scoots closer to spread his fingers over the bandages covering most of Kurogane’s chest. The once white cloth has already begun to grow splotchy with red, the blood like a mirror of the bruises they cover. Fai’s touch is light and apologetic but still enough to hurt. Kurogane bears it, though, the same way Fai bears his own pain and guilt at seeing Kurogane like this. He lets Fai tug his robe from his shoulders so he can see all of the damage on Kurogane’s body, and as he takes it in, Fai’s eye narrows almost imperceptibly in sadness.

Fai wants to say something. Kurogane can see it in his partly open lips, words warring with some remaining sense of self-preservation. His gaze is downcast, staring at the spot where his fingers rest, and when he drags his fingers and gaze alike to what’s left of Kurogane’s arm there’s a near-audible shudder in his bones. Kurogane doesn’t ask what’s wrong; he just watches as Fai takes in the damage Kurogane did to himself as if they’re trying to memorize each other’s pain. 

“Stop that.” Kurogane is the one to break the heavy silence when he grows tired of seeing Fai’s angst. “I can see you feeling guilty. Knock it off.” 

“I only feel guilty because it’s my fault,” Fai responds quietly. His fingers have returned to curl against Kurogane’s chest and have started trembling. “It’s—”

“You’re not responsible for other people’s decisions,” Kurogane interrupts angrily. “When are you going to learn that?” 

The harshness behind Kurogane’s words is enough to make Fai’s eye fix on his. “Fine,” he says, defensiveness creeping into his voice. “You made your choice. So be it. But if it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t have _had_ to. All the stupid, _stupid_ things I’ve done, and _you’ve_ paid the price.” 

Kurogane’s anger dies on his tongue. “It was that or let you die,” he says plainly. “I was never going to let that happen.” 

Fai’s eye widens slightly, and the next breath he takes comes out shaky. “I don’t—” He closes his eye and takes another increasingly shaky breath when words fail him. “I just can’t understand why you would do all this for me.” 

“That’s easy,” Kurogane snorts. “It’s because I love you.” 

Fai’s face immediately flushes a deep red as they both realize what Kurogane just said. It occurs to Kurogane that he’s never actually admitted that _aloud_  that before—not to Fai directly, not to Princess Tomoyo, not even to himself. He’s not sure if he’s ever actually  _thought_  it in so many words. He just knows this: he loves Fai. He has for months, well before he even  _could_  have put words to the feeling. He never saw any reason to say it. And, really, he thought Fai probably  _knew_  that already and was just too wrapped up in his own emotions to respond. 

Guess not. 

“Wait, you—" Fai stammers; his heart slows then quickens to a breakneck pace as he puts even more space between himself and Kurogane, and Kurogane tries not to let that offend him too much. “You _what_?” 

Kurogane meets his confused and mildly horrified gaze evenly. “I’m not saying that to force you to feel the same way. You wanted to know why I did what I did. There’s your answer.” 

“No, but—" Fai is starting to get that look in his eye, like a scared animal uncomfortable with a human being too close about to flee. “You can’t.” 

Kurogane blinks. “Why exactly did you think I’ve saved your life so many times? And at my own expense?” he asks slowly, watching as Fai sifts through his memories. “You really think I’d cut off my own damn arm for a stranger?” 

“But I’m  _me_.” 

“Yeah? That’s the point, dumbass.” 

Fai’s expression shifts slightly and Kurogane thinks maybe his words have finally reached through Fai’s thick skull, but it’s bordering on fear now, eye wide and wild. “But you  _can’t_ ,” Fai repeats, the words nearing desperation as he sinks deeper into himself. “You can’t, you—you  _can’t_  love me because I’m  _me_ , I’m not—I—" He’s shaking again, and his hands are reaching up to curl long fingers in his hair and hide his face, knees drawn up to his chest as he babbles excuses in a broken, desperate voice until Kurogane just can’t take it anymore. 

Kurogane surges forward, wraps his fingers around Fai’s narrow wrist to pull it away from his face and pull him into an embrace, then he releases Fai’s arm in favor of throwing it around Fai’s shoulders and drag him in even closer. The decision to kiss him is both impulsive and planned—a sudden unexpectedness in the act that makes Fai go stiff against him, even though to Kurogane it’s anything _but_ unexpected since he’s been thinking about it for so _long_. Kurogane kisses him hard, as if that one kiss could drive the demons of his past from him, even though it doesn’t work, can’t work. All he knows is that he loves Fai and wants— _needs_ —to prove it to him.

Kurogane doesn’t know when Fai started crying, but Fai’s tears taste of salt on his tongue and Fai’s lips are soft and sad. Fai’s hands are braced at Kurogane’s chest, not quite pushing away but keeping a distance in their trembling. The distance feels to Kurogane brought on by an aching fear, years of refusal to get close to anyone, to _trust_ anyone, so close to being lost in this one act. There’s a tautness to Fai’s body and mind alike as he struggles between pushing Kurogane away or pulling him in closer. Kurogane neither pushes nor pulls, just kisses him, softly now, and keeps his arm around Fai’s small, shaking shoulders. 

When Fai opens his mouth against Kurogane’s lips it’s to take in a shuddered breath. Kurogane lets him; he doesn’t chase Fai’s mouth with his own, but neither does he lean away. He just tilts back ever so slightly, still so close he can feel Fai’s breath hot on his skin, while his arm remains slung over Fai’s shoulders. He won’t let Fai go, won’t pull back from the ugly sides of him (when has he ever?). He won’t push him to break the fever pitch of tension. 

It breaks on its own. 

“Kuro—” Fai breathes, ragged, but his voice breaks along with the tension and splinters into pain. His hands cease their indecisive firmness and he drags them up and around to ball against Kurogane’s back between his shoulder blades, digging into bandages. 

Kurogane’s hand goes to the back of Fai’s head, fingers in his hair, and he kisses him once more, long and soft. “It’s okay,” he murmurs, tugging Fai in close to his chest. “It’s okay.” 

Fai gives an open-mouthed sob and buries his face in the crook of Kurogane’s neck. It hurts; Fai is in his lap, the weight of him pressing down on his wounds and his muscles strained to hold tight to Kurogane, but to Kurogane, this hurts less than watching Fai work himself up into a panic.

“—love you.” The words come on the end of a sob. “I love you.” Kurogane closes his eyes. This isn’t how he had wanted Fai sobbing confessions into his skin; he wishes he had two arms to wrap around him instead of one. Another breath, and then: “I’m  _scared_  to love you.” 

“You aren’t cursed anymore,” Kurogane says quietly. “You don’t have to keep your distance now.” 

The shudder Fai gives at Kurogane’s words contains a lifetime of guilt and grief, and his grip at Kurogane’s back tightens. “I’m scared,” he repeats, voice muffled and thick. “I don’t want to lose you. I  _can’t_  lose you.” 

“You won’t.” Kurogane knows it’s true the second he says it, and he thinks Fai does too. His fingers tighten in Fai’s hair as he lets just the barest amount of anger seep into his voice, not anger at Fai but at the man who destroyed Fai’s life, the king Fai _would_ have died for and nearly _did_. “I’m not _him_. You’re free.”

The word tears something loose inside of Fai and lets it drop. He clutches at Kurogane like he’s trying to hold onto the memory of a rapidly fleeing dream. His tears seep into the bandages on Kurogane’s chest, hot and wet, his breaths coming in strained, staccato bursts. “I love you,” he says again like it’s a mantra, but this time there’s acceptance buried in the pain. “ _Kurogane_.”

Hearing his full name doesn’t hurt so much when it’s at the end of a statement like that. Kurogane holds him still, lets Fai cling to him as long as he needs to until the racking sobs, interspersed with small “love you”s, have turned to small hitches and the tears have begun to dry on his cheeks. Kurogane doesn’t let go because he’s not _leaving_ , will never leave, and like this, tucked in close to him, Fai is safe too, safe and _his_.

When Fai’s shaking has all but subsided Kurogane leans back just enough for Fai to lift his head and look at him. Fai is beautiful, still, even after all that; of _course_ he does, when does he _not_? It’s unfair, actually, for him to still be so damn _pretty_ with his eyes shot through with red and his face puffy and tired from crying. He still seems like he’s searching Kurogane’s face for some sign that this is a trick, that Kurogane will tell him it was all for nothing and cast him away, but upon finding none Fai gives Kurogane a sheepish smile, edges of his lips twitching up like he can’t keep down. It melts into a smaller, more honest and relaxed one a moment later that is somehow the happiest Kurogane has ever see him. It makes it difficult for Kurogane to resist the urge to lean back in and kiss him, feel the shape of the smile on his lips.

He doesn’t have to for long, though, because Fai kisses him instead. There are no tears to taste now, only Fai, warm and pliable to his touch when Kurogane runs his fingers over his shoulders and collarbones. Fai leans up and into the touch, into the kiss itself, his hands leaving Kurogane’s back to cup his face, thumbs sweeping over his jaw. Fai kisses him slowly as if he’s committing each second to memory so he can relive it later, and his soft lips no longer feel like sadness but like _Fai_. He drops his hands, resting them lightly against Kurogane’s chest, not pushing him away this time but drawing him in with the warmth of his palms.

They don’t go any farther; they’re both hurt, wounds raw both inside and out, but Kurogane doesn’t really want to anyway. He would be content to just kiss Fai like this forever, he thinks. He doesn’t get the chance, though, because after a moment Fai pulls away to gaze up at him instead.

“After everything I’ve done, you still love me,” Fai murmurs, reaching up to touch Kurogane’s cheek lightly, eye and voice alike spelling awe.

“Yeah,” Kurogane replies. He closes his eyes and turns his head to kiss Fai’s palm. “I do. I honestly thought you knew that before now.”

Fai’s nose and ears go pink and Kurogane has to make an active effort not kiss him again. “You’re not exactly the biggest talker,” he says, dropping his hand to his lap.

Kurogane is about to reply that yes, that’s true, but _normally_ when a person saves someone else’s life _multiple times_ that someone would realize the person _cared_ about them, when Fai yawns, tears springing back to his eyes above the dark circles Kurogane has just now noticed.

“Sorry,” Fai says, wiping away the tears. “I haven’t exactly… been sleeping. Tomoyo said she was able to speak to you because you were near death, and that was _before_ you… I was worried. Terrified, actually, if I’m being honest.”

“You were hurt too,” Kurogane says. “You should have slept instead of worrying about me.”

“That’s… much easier said than done.”

Kurogane is tired too—exhausted, actually. He’s still not entirely sure how long he slept after they arrived in Nihon, but it was definitely not long _enough_. “We should sleep now, then,” he says. He drops his arm from Fai’s skin so he can push himself to his feet, and Fai scoots off of him with a vaguely embarrassed expression. It almost feels strange not to have Fai on top of him now. He immediately feels strangely cold, so he buries himself in the nest of blankets Tomoyo left for him as soon as he reaches them.

Fai watches him with a fond smile before rising himself and hovering uncertainly between Kurogane and the door as his smile wavers. “I’ll just… be going,” he says with a gesture of his hand, even as he makes no effort to do so.

“No,” Kurogane says gruffly. He lifts the blanket to give Fai space and gazes expectantly at him. “Come here.” Fai still lingers, so Kurogane fixes him with an irritated glare that leaves no room to argue until Fai nods mutely and crawls into bed next to Kurogane, facing away but shifting so he’s only a few inches away from Kurogane.

Kurogane knows Fai won’t do it—he’s probably too wary at this point that he’ll hurt him again accidentally—so he throws his arm over Fai’s waist and tugs until Fai scoots back into him, no space between them. One of Fai’s hands reaches up to take Kurogane’s; the other folds beneath his head. Kurogane sets his lips to the back of Fai’s head in a last kiss, and Fai finally relaxes and eases into the touch with a pleased sigh. Kurogane breathes in the scent of Fai, something unidentifiable and cool and the smell of cherry blossoms, no doubt Tomoyo’s doing and somewhat out of place on Fai.

Fai is still trembling slightly. Something in the faint shaking tells Kurogane there’s more to it than exhaustion, and he feels the telltale catch in Fai’s breathing that means he’s crying again. “What’s wrong?” Kurogane asks, starting to grow worried.

“Nothing,” Fai says honestly, quietly, almost surprised that Kurogane is even asking. “I’m just… _happy_. Which is an awful thing to say, after everything that happened. Selfish, even. But it’s _true_. I…” He laughs softly, tearful but genuine. “I don’t know. I never thought this would happen. I never thought I would… be happy. Especially with you.”

“You cry too much,” Kurogane says, poking Fai in the side and earning a quiet sound of pain and another small laugh. “Let yourself be happy, quit crying, and go to sleep. I’m not dying. I’m not leaving.” He squeezes Fai’s hand in punctuation, and Fai rolls over to nuzzle into the crook of Kurogane’s neck, arms around him.

“You’ll be here when I wake up?” Fai asks, so softly Kurogane can barely hear it. It’s worded like a statement but sounds like a question, so Kurogane closes his eyes and nods.

“Always.”

The word seems to soothe the last of Fai’s fears; Kurogane feels him smile in contentment against his skin. Fai is asleep almost immediately, his breathing shifting into the deep, steady rhythm of slumber within seconds. Kurogane is slower to drift off, but only barely. Fai is warm in his embrace, his heart beating a metronome of comfort that seems to dull the pain in Kurogane’s shoulder and stomach somehow. And when he finally does fall asleep to the sound of Fai’s existence, his last thought is that he thinks he knows how this happiness could make a man cry.

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "Saturn" by Sleeping At Last.
> 
> I had a little free time the other day and my friend Box asked for a post-Celes Kurofai hurt/comfort fic, and you know I was MORE than pleased to oblige.


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